Thanks, Really A Lot

You learned all about it in kindergarten: Thanksgiving started about 400 years ago when the Pilgrims Mayflowered the Plymouth Rocks.

At some point in their quest, they crossed paths with the Indians, who were native non-Indian settlers of the Americas, still referred to as Indians, but settled to be called Native Americans. They made feather hats out of construction paper, glued macaroni to paper plates, and performed a children’s play called Pocahontas. More importantly, they celebrated togetherness and companionship with a giant feast, and by giving things to each other, then thanking each other for the things they gave to each other. Thanks, dude.

As with all relationships, time slowly passed and they quickly got sick of each other. The Indians still thought the Pilgrims were pretty cool, but the Pilgrims thought it would be pretty cool to genocide all of the native Indians. So, they went full-satan and handed out blankets laced with smallpox (don’t click), also known as the Red Plague. Or maybe they didn’t, I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Leave me alone.

Nowadays, when we think of Thanksgiving, we think of visiting distant relatives and stuffing ourselves full of turkey that was stuffed with stuffing that was stuffed with cheesy potatoes. “I’m stuffed!” is what you’ll probably say at some point during a heated political/religious debate/argument. After it’s all said and done, you will be exhausted, yet grateful for what you have. Or maybe you won’t, I don’t know. Maybe I don’t even want you to talk to me. Who knows.

Regardless of how jaded and cynical you are, you can at least force yourself to appreciate the finer, stupider shit in life. Here are a few solid examples:

1.) You Are Alive

In order for your soul to enter this realm and possess a physical entity, you must first pass a series of tests, proving that you understand the basic survival instincts that all organisms on this planet possess. The better you score on these tests, the more likely it is that your soul will possess a higher functioning organism. A high score will leave you with a better chance of being born as a human, or at least a red panda. If you get a low score, you might wind up becoming a thieving squirrel or some dumbass fish.

Of course, this is all common knowledge. The point is, you should appreciate that you were lucky enough to be born on this planet as a person, instead of being born on the Sun and immediately burning to death before you even realize what happened. Well, even now my parents want to move to Florida, they still are cleaning out the house, also my stuff!


It’s stupid because no one asked to be here in the first place. These are actually my first days without a fallback. No one even knows what we are, let alone why we’re here, yet we keep following pointless routines, day in, day out, mostly to avoid dying. Sure, everyone will quote the last thing that they heard in a Bill Nye video as if they invented science themselves. But, everyone, including Bill Nye, is just lost in space.


Because not everyone gets to be alive. In fact, most people are dead. You will also be dead soon enough (if I can help it), but while you’re here, you should be happy to make the most of it. Give your neighbor a hug, tell them everything will be ok, then go put some pants on and eat some mashed potatoes.

2.) Nothing

Nothing is awesome. You could even say it’s better than everything. Nothing is what I would do every single day if I had the chance. Why would you ever want to do anything when you can just do nothing and not give a shit? Just make sure you won’t get screwed. There’s so much BS going on these days.

I hope to someday become filthy rich just so I can squander the rest of my life in a lethargic state of apathy, wasting away as if I was comatose. In fact, a coma would be extra awesome. Not only could I do nothing forever, but I’d probably dive in and out of some ambiguous lucid dreams, trying to throw rubber bricks at the ceiling fan with Bill Murray. Forget about following your dreams or all that negative feedback. Just follow your coma.


The only stupid part about this idea is that I’ve been slamming my head in the refrigerator for over an hour and still no coma. I’m starting to feel some minor brain damage and barely can’t thoughts with stuff.


If you care enough about nothing, you won’t care about anything. Only then will you realize what you should really care about – nothing. But still, you won’t care, so you won’t really realize anything, and we’re back to square one.

Besides being alive and nothing, there’s really only one other stupid thing that everyone should universally appreciate:

3.) Red Pandas

Red Pandas are the best pandas

Happy Thanksgiving!